I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
