I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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