Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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