i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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