I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
