she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
