we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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