The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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