im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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