Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
