I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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