Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Life is so much better after having sex.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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