i jhust puked up my retainher.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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