I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
