Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
