I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
