I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I am available for nakedness
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
