Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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