i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
