Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
