I would go down on you faster than GM stock
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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