Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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