Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
