We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
