in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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