I cockslap morals
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
