just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
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