I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize