I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
