She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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