Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I just cut my nipple shaving
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
