So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
