just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
