i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
