oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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