I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
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