Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
