We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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