when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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