I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
