Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
