Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
