not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
