i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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