peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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