sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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