Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize