FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize