his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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