HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
