Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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