please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
