I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
