i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
