So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
