I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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