I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just want to make out with him forever
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
