and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
