the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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