We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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