Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
