OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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