Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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